Thinking outside to help the inside.... letting go again...

This time of year is always a bit hard for me, most likely I'm not alone as I've learned over the years.  Its a time of deeper reflection, hashing through good and bad memories.  Taking stock in who has come and who has gone.  This year actually started last year, during the Kevin Hart tour.  I got to tour with one of my longest running friends.  One from the past that despite a horrendous addiction issue he didn't turn his back on me.  We got to tour as friends & co-workers, now I have to cut his hair until I die.

I have been divorced for over a year; regardless of the fact finding mission I went on to see where our relationship failed, regardless of my contrition the other side still refuses to accept any responsibility or culpability in the demise of this relationship.  It, for me is the epitome of powerlessness.  The bigger part of this acceptance is that at one point in time, I felt validation from my parents only because I was married.  I have seen the transformation in my parents, maybe is the transformation in me.  My acceptance of me in the world around me. 

I can't exactly put a finger on when or why this time of year (Holiday Season) had gotten so hard for me.  I do know that it has a lot to do with the murder of my wife in 1999.  I was sober from 1994 up until the end of 1999.  Her murder was exceptionally hard to fathom.  I thought I was doing okay with it, when at the end of 2000 I lost my shit.  I was not spiritually fit to say no to the first drug that came my way.  So I went on a tear.  By the following year, somehow I'd managed to get myself back to living clean and sober.

I suppose it was around the holidays in 2001, I realized how badly I missed Donna.  After all, the last two weeks of her life her and I spent countless hours on the phone mapping out and planning to reunite to be parents, lovers and raise our beautiful little girl.  Then I got the call on a Sunday morning.  The best friend I'd ever had, my greatest lover, the source of my smile and the person who knew me the best was taken from me and this earth as violently as one I could imagine.  This is a great source of pain for me, that I'm sure I've only dealt with in small doses. 

I have angered massive amounts of people since the day I was born.  I'll most likely continue to do so in some form or fashion.  I'm sure apologies were and have been in order; and some I've even fulfilled.  It really doesn't stick with me if I've angered someone.  However, to the contrary;  If perhaps I've let someone down, oh sweet Molly Brown....  That is a fate tied to me for what seems an everlasting gobstopping time.....  I'm not sure if perhaps I'm alone in this....  But although most of my past doesn't haunt me, its extremely difficult to not regret choices, decisions or actions that I've made in my past.  Sure the initial, pain, suffering or embarrassment have long gone.  But the memories of the aforementioned and the emotions attached are as fresh as if inside a hermetically sealed file cabinet.

I digress;  Naturally I was amped to rebuild a relationship with my wife that I'd torn apart with choices of drugs over my family.  Naturally I was looking forward at the gift of redemption and the realization that this woman was my world, my everything, my teacher without judgment.  I was horrified beyond the scope of my thoughts, vocabulary and understanding when my mother-in-law searched me out to call and tell me.  My difficulty in processing this loss, isn't so much as one would think.  For me, I suppose my greatest fear is leaving this earth alone.  Without those that love(d) me, without comfort.  My wife was gunned down sitting in her car by a 19 year old child.  For hours she sat slumped over the steering wheel of her car bleeding out.  My greatest fear, my helplessness..... 

I felt as if I'd let her down; I wasn't there to comfort her, I failed her as a protector and it started way before that night.  So yeah, regrets.... I've had a few.  I clearly understand I'm not responsible for the choices and circumstances which she died.  But unfortunately its a bit more difficult to explain that to my head and my heart.

I often don't know where exactly I'm going with something when I write.  It just flows and I don't judge as it spews onto the screen in front of me.  But I suppose on this day, I've challenged my laziness.  I've challenged myself to look a bit deeper in order to getting back to a time when this time of year brought me great joy as if a child again each year.  I guess the deep love and affection that I still have for Donna has been ever present.  Such that my ex-wife seemed almost intimidated by it.  Upon seeing that side of her, I had to shut down that part of me and not let her see it.  I guess out of some silly respect for her.

So I suppose in oozing some of this out of me and onto the screen in front of me there is yet another morsel of healing.  It doesn't mean that, this time of year still isn't a time of deep reflection.  Some of the sting is gone.  There are new joys, new pains, new people to piss off as well as some of the regular cast of characters.  My lessons are mine to learn without the judgement of others in their time or space.  Just  mine.  My biggest fear is to die alone.  Seeing that in others is very scary.  I'm very thankful this day that I've got a core of good friends, from Ocean City to Orange County and back.  I've got my parents in my life.  I no longer feel I can only be valid if I'm married to a woman they like.  I'm valid because they love me as their son.... No matter what. 

We don't know what the next minute may hold, so I'll do the best I can to keep that in perspective as each minute, hour and day passes during this time of year that once brought me so much joy.  I'm struggling with powerlessness and not being able to control outcomes.  I suppose that never goes away.  Shakespeare said "All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players: they have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts, his acts being seven ages."  I can only influence through my actions, thoughts, habits and character what I'd hope others could see as a better way to live. 

This dribble for you, is my catharsis.  Its the fiber of what seems to be my emotional sanity.  I'm free to reflect as are those around me.  Lest judgement comes at the hand of those with less understanding and self-worth.  I wish we could all live forever, but I suppose we live a lot.  So much everyday.....so the phrase "YOLO"...yeah its pure shit.  More like "YODO"...(you only die once).  Until then its up to me, as it is each one of us to make these days and nights of living; no matter the number, a little more bearable and filled with fondness of those around us.  I've been let down, so I know how it feels.  Therefore I can tell where it comes from... expectation.

In order for a better understanding of my fellows I should, expect nothing more then I'm willing to give.  I suppose that is the delicate and elusive balance that we all seem to carry forward from day to day.  It would also seem that no matter the level of forgiveness one attains those memories are ours to hold for as long as we live.  What we do with them in order to grow as individuals is not for judgement by anyone other then ourselves.

That's it I'm done..... telling my own truth...

No Work

I was about four paragraphs into some poignant writing.  Then the stupid Facebook took a dump....hopefully I can recall such literary prowess as was lost in a flash with one of those gut wrenching feelings of sending a naughty text message only to realizing it was to an ex or a friend of yours.....a dude.

So I've had a few folks this year claim I've done no work on myself since having surpassed the almost 12 year mark of being clean and sober.  One of these fools hijacked my anniversary just to open up his foolish yapper to make himself look superior, I suppose to make me feel bad about myself. 

That being said let me opine if I may; a bit about what work I have not done and how just the "same" guy I am just having not used drugs in almost 12 years.  I iterate this to prove a point to myself and reinforce to myself that part of the greater fool is one whom does all this "work" upon themselves in hopes of inspiring others that their work is one of modesty, humility and service.  However the flaw in this concept and that of a greater fool is that;  anyone can do the work and profess its necessity and outcome.  But if its served to then make one a pompous, self serving, narcissistic asshole then your reason for this seems to have not served its purpose of investing in oneself only to become an asshole.

So with the aforementioned hijacking of my anniversary, a celebration of my own journey through time not using, tenure in a 12 step program for myself and those that have accompanied me through both.  In this hijacking I sat there as if I were Taylor Swift watching Kanye West steal the moment.  Listening to this greater fool espouse that I've accomplished nothing, I really haven't scratched the surface nor done anything to better myself of those around me.  It lead, inspired and motivated this literary dribble to achieved the things I'd hope it to, if nothing more to amuse, inspire and continue on my journey as I am.  I did no work, yet I sat there all Taylor Swifty and shit and amused, I did not stand up and stop this self serving, psychotic fool.  I didn't not remove the coin which numerically signified my accomplishment from his hands and no I did not put hands on him and assert physical punishment about his head and shoulders.  I did not react to his Kanye West performance as he'd thought maybe I would.  But yet, I've not done any work and achieved nothing.  Kudos to you for the work I'd not done, you must've been right.

Last March an end to a relationship that endured almost 80 percent of my tenure clean and sober.  Not how I'd have wanted the relationship to pan out.  Yet, I suppose its ultimate demise was clearly all of my fault for having done no work; nor attempts to meet in the middle.  What I haven't learned or done any work on in almost 12 years may be this;  How about that just because someone perceives, thinks or emotes something, it isn't a fact, or it isn't truth.  How then would I come to this conclusion, the conclusion that the truth never needs defended, never needs excuses made for it.  I suppose because the truth doesn't take sides, it stands on its own.

I suppose I'd not learned that no matter my part, great or small I am accountable, responsible and liable for my imperfections, poor judgements or perceptions.  In not learning this I suppose it would be safe to say that I also did not have the responsibility to step up admit my wrong and be part of if not the solution to correcting those.  How could I have not learned that just because someone else is more then willing to keep score of these inexactitudes and point them out as the cause of all of the worlds ills if not a personal relationship; just to have it seem as if they weren't present in the mess that was created or their actions or lack thereof had nothing to do with the state of affairs.  Funny me, how could I have let this pass me by.

After being fed up with a family member and not including, talking or even acknowledging them for over two years, how could I possibly focus on forgiveness let alone courage?  How could I throw it all out on the table, put aside what they did or didn't do to enact such an exile from my life.  Surely in this last decade and change I'd learned something about forgiveness, I mean both of my parents talk to me, they let me in their home and trust my opinion in some rather important (to me only I'm sure) matters.  I'd only shattered their sense of well being, security and safety by breaking into their home and ransacking said villa in hopes of finding jewelry, money or what I could pawn to fulfill my drug habit. 

Yeah, that stuff!  I didn't learn that was suppose to be a source of shame, guilt and remorse that would rule the structure of decisions that I'm suppose to make on a daily basis from thereon out.  I digress; I didn't use courage, faith or forgiveness to allow myself to let a family member have me or them to I, back in each others lives.  Surely I must have motive, agenda and manipulation at hand to have done such a foolish thing.  Really I must have insanely reacted to something, just went on impulse to put aside my selfishness and ego in hopes of my parents, friends or even loved one to post an elaborate, gratitude filled, diatribe about how wonderful, forgiving, kind and gracious man I've become on Facebook for all of the 1.11 BILLION users.

No I didn't learn that it takes courage, love, faith and honesty to say to my loved one, my baby sister and at one time the only brothers keeper I had to inspire me, love me and hope for me and to pray me into becoming a whole man again; the things that she needed to hear and not wanted to hear from a big brother.  No of course I'd not done any work at all on being selfish and letting someone else make their own way.  I couldn't have possibly taken any of the money I of all people had made in order to facilitate the comfortable needs of getting my baby sisters place in such a manner which she was used to; in order to do nothing more then what her big brother asked her to do, inspired her to do and continues to help her do no matter what! 

In 2002 I took a risky investment in myself.  I took this risk with odds that I was told in rehab (1989, the only rehab I'd attended) were 99%-1 that I'd not be successful at staying clean.  In spite of numbers, lack of hope, fear, self-loathing, homelessness and not one person other then my baby sister believing in me; I took the risk.  Anything I'd ever learned, known or accomplished was through a 12 step program and it would stand to reason that I was to learn no more then that in my lifetime.  I suppose the "Greater Fool" would do this in order to facilitate his own selfish desires, needs and agenda in hopes of passing it off as if it or he were now the golden boy insomuch as for others to follow into his pantheonic world.  Or to use as if his pied piper ways were direction to the promise land.  Selling a gold plated turd as if it were the kings crown, only to be no more good then the piece of shit contained therein.

No, in 2002 I took a risky investment in myself because I knew nothing more good could come of the ways which I was living.  No matter how good, golden or great I'd become it would have to start with surrender.  It would have to be my sincerity to not go backwards, it would be my willingness to if nothing more learn one new thing to keep the gear shift in such a place as moving forward. 

I have become un-popular, divorced, isolated and ostracized in some instances for my inability to do any work or have learned anything.  No I have no sympathy for any addict or alcoholic for which whom have knowledge of the 12 step, only to have died directly from their addiction.  Sympathy you might find is in the dictionary between "Shit" and "Syphilis".  I didn't learn anything about human kindness and compassion, I certainly must've been a "homo" as my dying friends mom accused me of being when in hospice I held his hand and walked with him into his dying days as if two naive pre-schoolers who saw nothing of holding hands then an expression of security, friendship and love.  I didn't have any examples in my life to teach or to learn from that in spite of the fact of dying, it is okay to share love, laughter and memories.  I've learned nothing from watching helplessly that my dear friend was not going to be hear for me to call, hold his hand and laugh with to share my accomplishments with, should I ever have done some work.

I still have no sympathy for any addict that dies using with knowledge that there is a better way.  But somehow I've learned in 12 years that just because you tell me I'm a piece of shit, that I'm not worthy of love, that I don't know how to listen to you, that I'm unable to accept others for whom they are, that I don't know who I am nor know how to find myself that I've been able to anonymously be there for those that you have missed, given up on, written off and needed someone just to listen, give a ride too, pick up a phone or answer a text.  I don't need a thank you, your appreciation or theirs either.  I am a credit to Lyle Swan, Jack Ostrem, Andy Domas, Lynda Rohr & Jim, Pappa Jim, Jackson Creek DOA and all of those in Joliet, Illinois.  I'm a credit to Danny Brannon, David Greene, Billy Price, Joey Cohen, Michael G, Jose and Kristin Ortiz, Paul Ciccone, Scott Tydings and All who attended that Friday night meeting at Church of the Redeemer in August of 2001.  If I missed a name, well if you have learned anything unlike me, its not a thank you that you seek, its that did I stay clean, did I love someone that felt unloved, did I help someone that couldn't help themselves, did you do it because you somehow learned that no matter what you feel its not a fact.  That no matter how popular you may think you are, its hard to be famous in an anonymous program.

What I think I've become matters not to you, its certainly of no value in who you are, what you can get or what you think you may receive.  What I have become is of importance and value to me.  The lessons I've learned are simple, I've accepted that I am an addict, I've known that I need help from others then the plans I've laid on my own power, I need the power of love from something greater, I know what I've done and not only do I know maybe you know one or two or ten of those things because in order to lesson my load of guilt, shame, self-loathing I had to make sense of it myself.  I had to slow, stop or remove an need to lie, steal, cheat my way through life.  I had to look at what I do each day, try and correct it as soon as I can and make peace with myself and hopefully lead someone from the depths of hell and into the gateway of freedom.

But alas, I've done no work nor have done nothing.  Is it true? Is it me or is it he/her that against all odds or risky investment that think I haven't done what I need to sustain, gain or garner the love of family or friends.....  I ask you these things...  What was it I didn't work on or learn?  Lastly, who then accuses me of these things.....  Me, I'd say that would be the "Greater Fool" the one with the minions of mice following his musings in order to finance his/her own risky investment that they'll receive admiration, salutations and prestige because of the tune they whistle......

Good luck with that assholes, I'll be here on yer way back around.  The truth doesn't need me and it doesn't need you.  Unfortunately the actions you have chosen; leave truth no choice then to show your true colors in the song you have sung to others to thereby become better then I.........