This time of year is always a bit hard for me, most likely I'm not alone as I've learned over the years. Its a time of deeper reflection, hashing through good and bad memories. Taking stock in who has come and who has gone. This year actually started last year, during the Kevin Hart tour. I got to tour with one of my longest running friends. One from the past that despite a horrendous addiction issue he didn't turn his back on me. We got to tour as friends & co-workers, now I have to cut his hair until I die.
I have been divorced for over a year; regardless of the fact finding mission I went on to see where our relationship failed, regardless of my contrition the other side still refuses to accept any responsibility or culpability in the demise of this relationship. It, for me is the epitome of powerlessness. The bigger part of this acceptance is that at one point in time, I felt validation from my parents only because I was married. I have seen the transformation in my parents, maybe is the transformation in me. My acceptance of me in the world around me.
I can't exactly put a finger on when or why this time of year (Holiday Season) had gotten so hard for me. I do know that it has a lot to do with the murder of my wife in 1999. I was sober from 1994 up until the end of 1999. Her murder was exceptionally hard to fathom. I thought I was doing okay with it, when at the end of 2000 I lost my shit. I was not spiritually fit to say no to the first drug that came my way. So I went on a tear. By the following year, somehow I'd managed to get myself back to living clean and sober.
I suppose it was around the holidays in 2001, I realized how badly I missed Donna. After all, the last two weeks of her life her and I spent countless hours on the phone mapping out and planning to reunite to be parents, lovers and raise our beautiful little girl. Then I got the call on a Sunday morning. The best friend I'd ever had, my greatest lover, the source of my smile and the person who knew me the best was taken from me and this earth as violently as one I could imagine. This is a great source of pain for me, that I'm sure I've only dealt with in small doses.
I have angered massive amounts of people since the day I was born. I'll most likely continue to do so in some form or fashion. I'm sure apologies were and have been in order; and some I've even fulfilled. It really doesn't stick with me if I've angered someone. However, to the contrary; If perhaps I've let someone down, oh sweet Molly Brown.... That is a fate tied to me for what seems an everlasting gobstopping time..... I'm not sure if perhaps I'm alone in this.... But although most of my past doesn't haunt me, its extremely difficult to not regret choices, decisions or actions that I've made in my past. Sure the initial, pain, suffering or embarrassment have long gone. But the memories of the aforementioned and the emotions attached are as fresh as if inside a hermetically sealed file cabinet.
I digress; Naturally I was amped to rebuild a relationship with my wife that I'd torn apart with choices of drugs over my family. Naturally I was looking forward at the gift of redemption and the realization that this woman was my world, my everything, my teacher without judgment. I was horrified beyond the scope of my thoughts, vocabulary and understanding when my mother-in-law searched me out to call and tell me. My difficulty in processing this loss, isn't so much as one would think. For me, I suppose my greatest fear is leaving this earth alone. Without those that love(d) me, without comfort. My wife was gunned down sitting in her car by a 19 year old child. For hours she sat slumped over the steering wheel of her car bleeding out. My greatest fear, my helplessness.....
I felt as if I'd let her down; I wasn't there to comfort her, I failed her as a protector and it started way before that night. So yeah, regrets.... I've had a few. I clearly understand I'm not responsible for the choices and circumstances which she died. But unfortunately its a bit more difficult to explain that to my head and my heart.
I often don't know where exactly I'm going with something when I write. It just flows and I don't judge as it spews onto the screen in front of me. But I suppose on this day, I've challenged my laziness. I've challenged myself to look a bit deeper in order to getting back to a time when this time of year brought me great joy as if a child again each year. I guess the deep love and affection that I still have for Donna has been ever present. Such that my ex-wife seemed almost intimidated by it. Upon seeing that side of her, I had to shut down that part of me and not let her see it. I guess out of some silly respect for her.
So I suppose in oozing some of this out of me and onto the screen in front of me there is yet another morsel of healing. It doesn't mean that, this time of year still isn't a time of deep reflection. Some of the sting is gone. There are new joys, new pains, new people to piss off as well as some of the regular cast of characters. My lessons are mine to learn without the judgement of others in their time or space. Just mine. My biggest fear is to die alone. Seeing that in others is very scary. I'm very thankful this day that I've got a core of good friends, from Ocean City to Orange County and back. I've got my parents in my life. I no longer feel I can only be valid if I'm married to a woman they like. I'm valid because they love me as their son.... No matter what.
We don't know what the next minute may hold, so I'll do the best I can to keep that in perspective as each minute, hour and day passes during this time of year that once brought me so much joy. I'm struggling with powerlessness and not being able to control outcomes. I suppose that never goes away. Shakespeare said "All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players: they have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts, his acts being seven ages." I can only influence through my actions, thoughts, habits and character what I'd hope others could see as a better way to live.
This dribble for
you, is my catharsis. Its the fiber of what seems to be my emotional
sanity. I'm free to reflect as are those around me. Lest judgement
comes at the hand of those with less understanding and self-worth. I
wish we could all live forever, but I suppose we live a lot. So much
everyday.....so the phrase "YOLO"...yeah its pure shit. More like
"YODO"...(you only die once). Until then its up to me, as it is each
one of us to make these days and nights of living; no matter the number,
a little more bearable and filled with fondness of those around us.
I've been let down, so I know how it feels. Therefore I can tell where
it comes from... expectation.In order for a better understanding of my fellows I should, expect nothing more then I'm willing to give. I suppose that is the delicate and elusive balance that we all seem to carry forward from day to day. It would also seem that no matter the level of forgiveness one attains those memories are ours to hold for as long as we live. What we do with them in order to grow as individuals is not for judgement by anyone other then ourselves.
That's it I'm done..... telling my own truth...
