"Watch this dude, he actually thinks he's gonna get the girl/win the lottery." Whatever it is, whether its in choosing the girl, making a business choice or giving someone a chance believing that humanity will pay off and his endeavor will have a good ending. No matter what logic, simplicity or sure thing that may be in play; you can almost rest assured that if I've had anything to do with it, yeah its not gonna turn out well for me or it will ultimately be something really funny for someone else to watch.
Conversely,
mirror the situation with ANYONE else, same set of circumstances and
almost invariably....FUCKING HOOORAY! Winner, Winner, Chicken fucking
dinner. Meanwhile I'm sitting here be-fucking-fuddled. No matter the
relative amount of knowledge, experience or intelligence its usually the
same big fat fucking zero for this kid. Hell, I've been thrown into
the friends zone more times then a mall Santa. I've had more "Don't
worry dude, at least you tried" thrown my way then sterile cow at a
sperm bank. Sure it sounds like a shit load of self-pity, well suck a dick. Its a self-observation and I'm sticking with that choice. Hell, I've got enough "friends" in my little "friends zone" to substantiate my claims. I've often been the source of great humor, whereupon I have an idea. Yup that's all it takes and the hilarity then ensues......
Then onto the grieving side of such profound little ideas as "taking a chance". Yeah well hell there's a bowl full of cherries to pound down the gullet! That moment when you realize that your vulnerability has been used against you, or better yet the feeling of an exposed nerve because your bright idea that vulnerability is what will show the world your truest nature in humility. Yeah, well that and a nickel still won't get me a cup of coffee and a side of anger. I'm beginning to learn that my grief and emptiness are similarly proportionate to the anger at self for allowing me to believe in the lie I told myself.
I really don't need the comparison of others to gauge myself, I suppose its the generality and litmus one regularly uses to feel better or worse about themselves. I've grown to not count so much on that litmus, as a varying degree of these are without context, detail and full-on comparison. Rather, I look at my own experience. Using myself as the common denominator. That's the moment shit becomes real, that story there can't be told by anyone but me. In the truest form of honesty and without rose colored glasses I am allowed to see my own damaged, ruffled and tattered insides for what they are as a result of this situation.
The mitigating factor perhaps in any of this, is not the part I played as much as is it the players. Self-discovery has if anything taught me this; quite simply honesty is not just a word or luxury that one uses to give others credence to my character. Honesty is a state of being, that like a suit of clothes for the naked emperor must be sewn so each thread bears a responsibility in holding the fiber of it all together. In the end I still walk the walk of that naked emperor but at least I know why. Not because I trusted that suit of clothes would be sewn for me, nor that I trusted at all. Only that I was allowed to express vulnerability that whom and what you say you are was the bill of goods upon which the suit you were to sew was made.
So wherein does this pain come from you ask? Where does the emptiness come into play. I suppose after looking at mitigating factors, my part and all of the ingredients... I'm left looking backward. In order to discover, I should go inward, to go inward I must go back and uncover the genesis of that which allowed me to base what my vulnerabilities are, what my value in trust is, where my sense of honesty comes from. I guess it comes down to the bill of good sold to me as a child from those in authority to guide, mold and teach me. If I'm to be honest, its without hesitation that I give of the truth without regard repercussion because after all the truth needs no window dressing. If I am to trust, I must do so with seeming reckless abandon that again the truth is what matters and that truth lies in faith.
Well hold the fucking phone Miss Betty. Faith, where did that shit come into play. This whole looking backward and inward in order to move forward thing just took a fucking right turn on a one way street.
As a result of what I know to be trust, as a result of what I know to be honesty; its very difficult to put my faith in other human beings as their sense of the two may be far different then mine. No matter the depth, breadth or all encompassing amount of conversation on the two subjects. Just when its safe to think there is clarity, fast forward to this moment in time. Move past all the window dressing on that little shop of horrors you call a human being. Get to this place where in so empty I can only hope the doctor walks into the room and tells me I have cancer, or I hope this pain in my chest is the massive aortic coronary that puts me out of my goddamned misery.
I trust because its the thing to do. The thing you say, well the alternative is to be a cynical prick. Always looking for someone, something to get over on me at every turn. Never once bowing to trust that just this time it will be the time. I suppose its like playing the human lottery. I've never really hit the big game, but through out this life of mine I've seen that I've accumulated every winning number. Well then, the question that begs to be asked and answered I suppose is "why then, haven't you cashed in". That question is easy to answer.
I may choose to not be that cynical prick, instead I think it closer to the god I love; yes the very same one that in moments like these I ask to please let my life go, please let this space I hold be used for someone more deserving then I, yes that god. It should be with that reverence that my faith some day, some where as a result of my blindness of trust, my honesty and vulnerability that maybe, just maybe all those numbers will come on the same ticket. Yes, I've gotten all the winning numbers. I never said I'd gotten them all at the same time, they have come at various moments of my life. Just different tickets I suppose.
So as wounded and empty as I feel, as much as I'd hope that I could write at someone and even as much as I'd hope to expire in this very moment. The despair, like a thin fog lifts with each moment as the day goes on. I could go lower into the valley to sit in the fog or be just okay with where I sit. Looking up to see the blueness of the sky while below still the rolling mist of fog that eventually no matter its level; will ultimately come to pass as with all the other fog. Lessons learned I ask, well that seems to be a mixed bag. I'm not sure I have that answer in total. Easy to say you'd think, well not so. I find in situations like this, wanting the answer, to be concrete or black and white in clarity. I suppose that's where emptiness and pain exist, in my unwillingness of the moment to not accept that although trust and honesty are within us all, we all don't posses them with the same fortitude as each other. Their value just the same, inherently means the world to each of us as individuals.
My pain and despair exists in the fog of knowing I behaved as I should, I was vulnerable, I trusted, had faith and with all the honesty I could muster; it in comparison wasn't to the same level as someone else's no matter the effort or sincerity.
