The Passing of a Steward

Very sad day indeed.

"Understanding these Traditions comes slowly over a period of time. We pick up information as we talk to members and visit various groups. It usually isn’t until we get involved with service that someone points out that “personal recovery depends on NA unity,” and that unity depends on how well we follow our Traditions. The Twelve Traditions of NA are not negotiable. They are the guidelines that keep our Fellowship alive and free."

This statement on the back of the Twelve Traditions always brought to mind John Pries and also my old friend Gary. John epitomized some things for me, dedication to service of the greater good, progress not perfection. Anyone that knew him, certainly knew he was by less than perfect. An addicts words can often teach a lot, but if you want to know the real story; then just watch us. Our actions tell the rest of the story. 


Just because we get clean doesn't mean we are perfect or to be placed upon a pedestal. It doesn't mean we read each piece of daily literature everyday and pray or meditate perfectly everyday to achieve our good addict gold star. We are a tight community and we see, we hear and we know what subtleties go on in each others lives. Lets face it, we all know what I'm trying to say. In life as in death we all have what seems a big bag of bullshit. But if we were to spread it out over our tenure of recovery; most of us will see its outweighed and over shadowed by the amount of time spent listening, sharing, being of service, keeping a meeting open, progressing and perpetuating the fellowship in its growth and as always showing a newcomer that with a minute and hour and a day clean the world is our oyster.

Our recovery is mirrored like everyday life, our circle of friends will change, some will come and some will go. Hopefully we can still see them and share a coffee and catch up and show genuine interest in one another. Perhaps we glance over a memory and share a laugh at our frailties or past shortcomings and part ways with a hug and say Thank God we're not there anymore. What's not said, is the "how" we're not there anymore.

We're not there anymore because we walked through the door shy, void of self and shell of a human being often not knowing a soul and feeling like we were an outcast in this big room of people that stared at us. We got a hug or several, we were introduced to members that some whose name we'll never remember. John was not one of those people. In the midst of what seemed like a living doom, surrounded by our shame, fear, guilt, degradation John seemed oddly excited and genuinely happy for us. For me I thought he a fucking crazy person, who is this happy to see me at my god awful worst with no sense of self and alone feeling its me against the world.

John wasn't crazy. He knew, he shared that in this vulnerable place there wasn't anywhere for the addict to go but up. Whichever higher power we choose, he/she had removed everything from our lives and cleaned our canvas so we could start a beautiful journey called recover and paint a lasting picture as evidence for those to come behind us. John was like many of us, he was a hustler. There are many of us that John hustled on the streets and even more that he hustled in NA. He hustled us in speaking at a meeting, giving a ride to a newcomer, I've even seen John hustle someone that relapsed and back into NA to go on and live a very successful life.

I was young in recovery and worked for Victor and John got word about my prowess for computers, the internet and websites. He hustled me into the Free State region as a consultant for what we now have as our regions website. I was still trying to figure out what the fuck I was doing in this life of recovery, barely had any self-confidence or worth. Yet this guy saw me as a valued asset. He showed me what those words on the back of the 12 Traditions meant. The service to the greater good of NA, ensures and solidifies that my ability to remain clean depends upon service. 


I've been to workshops, conventions and anniversaries all over MD, DC and PA. Through John, I'd meet knew people. Like many of you, John was more than willing to share the history and stories of the person you've just met. How he/she made it through this or that event, persevered and stayed clean. How he/she helped Jimmy K or other founders in our country create, develop and build a movement we all now know as Narcotics Anonymous. John will always be the most learned resource of people and history of Narcotics Anonymous.

I originally got clean in 1994 in Joliet, Illinois. NA wasn't as strong and not a lot of predecessors with so much as 2 years clean. Like many addicts in that area we migrated to the other fellowship for stability, structure and mostly to save our lives. John understood this move. A lot of people discounted the other fellowship as NA purist often do. I suppose that's their choice. My sponsorship family in Joliet was directly tied to the founders of that fellowship. We celebrated anniversaries with the wives and children of the founders and the history and value of service to our fellow man/woman was always very important to the success of the inverted pyramid. It takes a great many working collectively to ensure that one member can stay clean.

John and I would discuss how Jimmy K went to the other fellowship. How he (with a humble heart) asked if he could start NA and use the other fellowships steps, traditions and format to help serve those in Narcotics Anonymous. I was young in NA, and had this wealth of knowledge and I felt validated by John's excitement of our conversation. Many of you know that feeling. Our lives could be a solid shit storm, a total wreck, just getting clean and little to no self-esteem. Yet John would introduce us to another member as if we were royalty from another country, he would impart to this member a bit of our story through his introduction to ensure we were looked after, held up and welcomed into the process.

Let's face it, at that moment hearing John tell someone about your situation may have seemed a bit embarrassing. Then again, to that point most of what we had done to ourselves culminated in the only feelings we had left; embarrassment and shame. Little did I/we know, that one last shot of embarrassment across the bow of our unsteady and seemingly sinking ship; was ironically the same thing to right our vessel. In that sense of feeling like I/we were an exposed nerve, it needed that one last shot to sail us through the stormy seas of emotion, fear of the unknown and provide humility and grace to accept this new way of life.

My life is an open book, some of you have seen me through failed jobs, numerous relationships, lots of bad ideas and some rather good ones. Fortunately for me, I am not the sum of your thoughts of me. John is no goddamned different than you or I.

In the end that judgement cast upon us means so very very little. In recovery there is only one thing perfect we can do, just don't use. Through whatever any of us has been through, good, bad and ugly if we just stay clean; we can experience that promise of freedom. No matter if you've weathered the storm by sticking and staying, or you've relapsed one or ten thousand times; like many John shared the message. "Just keep coming back."

Many places in our text we read about death and or the death of an addict. I looked through today, upon hearing of John's passing. Hoping to find comfort and solace. Tucked in the middle of the book on page 201 I found what I was looking for, its the middle paragraph. "I chose a home group and committed myself to that group. I took a service commitment. I opened the meeting space, cleaned the floors there and got it ready for the meeting. Today, I am still a part of that same home group. It is a place where people can find me, and I know that I can find my friends there too. I have a sponsor, and I work steps. But most importantly, I KEEP COMING BACK NO MATTER WHAT."

No matter the amount of years clean I have, I still remain a rather deeply private person. It speaks to the core of who I am. I suppose we all possess this, some like me; maybe more than others. I could hardly have this conversation in public and learning to write has offered great relief in times of pain, illness and is as cathartic as is intended in our program to measure, see and grow in this new way of life. If you wanted to find John, you looked no further than Live and Let Live on Sunday nights. As in the literature, he was there like a fixture and so were his friends. There may always be another empty chair where John used to sit, but I doubt that any that know him will ever attend that meeting and cross the threshold without thinking about him. 

My job has me traveling through most of the year and I've always looked forward to coming home after a tour and seeing my friends. John would asked about my clients and what they were like, was I able to hit meetings on the road or if I contacted one of his many friends in this state or that state along my travels. I could care less about the notoriety of my clients, I wanted to talk about you and what's been going on in your world. I just got home and I knew John wasn't well. I'd hoped to see him for that brief encounter one last time, offer support, thanks and an awkward man hug for laughs.
John and I were not close friends and we only talked in chance meetings for a few moments. After a certain point I suppose we all see the newcomer and their continued tenure being clean and coming around. They get jobs, cars, houses and families and a life worth living. We understand we are all susceptible to relapse but there comes a point one feels relatively certain that someone will make it and or be "okay." This leads us to that cyclical friendship thing we go through. Rest assured, there will and has been that place in our hearts for that person. John will hold that place as will many of you in my heart.

As I said, John and I shared a fondness for the other fellowship and the reverent gratitude they bestowed upon Jimmy K. for allowing us a program of inclusiveness to save our lives. I'd like to think that reverent gratitude was honored by guys like John. I will close with this, its a passage that speaks volumes and epitomizes this path. You purist may get a wild hair in your ass and frankly I don't care. Its something that I shared with John. So call your sponsor and deal with it that way.
"We realize we know only a little. God will constantly disclose more to you and to us. Ask Him in your morning meditation what you can do each day for the man (or woman) who is still sick. The answers will come, if your own house is in order. But obviously you cannot transmit something you haven't got. See to it that your relationship with Him is right, and great events will come to pass for you and countless others. This is the Great Fact for us.

Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny.

May God bless you and keep you - until then."

As with many of you, today there is a whole in my heart and looming sadness. In the balance there is peace for me in having met John Pries. Known as the Mayor to a lot of us.... No matter his trials, tribulations or his shortcomings he is a human being and goddmaned dedicated steward to Narcotics Anonymous.  

His legacy is service and for that I'm grateful.

Rest easy John. Yes sir, you have fought the good fight, you have finished your race and you have kept the faith. May your God bless and keep you until we meet again.

Thank you brother.

Now you see inside (The Edge of Tears)

Have you ever seen a movie that has been dramatic, filled with passion and zeal? Sure you have! Have you ever cataloged that movie indelibly into your memory banks as if part of it were the fabric of your life? Sure you have! The above being said, within the framework of your mind scribed movie masterpiece is there a point that invokes.... lets say a welling up, a moment which you are truly affected emotionally? Sure there is, I'm sure we all have that moment.

From Old Yeller, Charlotte's Web and Bryan's Song. We that are old enough to remember or know these movies and the exact moment at which it will occur. Its what keeps us glued to the movie and keeps that affect tucked away as if an heirloom of our soul within our memory banks.

Well another of those moments has prompted my blog tonight. With the luxury of digital cable and its plethora of hundreds of channels from which to choose, I happened upon "Encore" at about 10:20. After an un-planned nap of a few hours I got up scurried about and started scrolling through that frickin guide of channels.

My regular channels were pretty much crap, History, DIY, CNN all three networks, ESPN all of them. So obviously I was forced to go second tier and it came down to the Doors movie on 143 or Patch Adams on 158. Years ago I had a week from hell and ended up in the theater by myself watching this movie. I have seen it a few times since and the same thing happens usually.....screw everything and watch the movie.

I digress. Some of the movies of this variety are movies with a reliable and concerted, profound emotional impact upon me. Not unlike many of you I'm sure. Well I started watching the movie tonight and it invoked the same response...plus some. Its the plus some that really has prompted my writing.

I don't want to really go into a full length description and or write the screenplay on here. The basic premise is a fella that really views life different than conventional wisdom, based in the medical field. Each person isn't just a medical case, as in the leukodystrophy patient in bed three as opposed to the cute little Allison Smith. His view, dedication and passion were the evocation within the movie that stormed my emotional centerpiece.

He found that within a ward of smaller children suffering from diseases and sickness, there was a institutional somberness and quiet that seemed almost disturbing. So he decided to bring some laughter and cheer by injecting humor to the ward, by using medical instruments as props to improvise and ad lib. There are several circumstances where his calling was blatantly shown to him, before he realized what it is that sought him all of his years.

Again I digress, have you ever wondered why at the moment of impact shall we say (welling up) what the cause or affect of such a flow of emotion occurs? I suppose I don't have your answer, but that was the question I posed to myself this night. It has to do with seeing the same movie several times and that sense of "Ah Ha... I hadn't noticed that before". It was within that "Ah Ha" moment that it dawned me, that I was at a minor emotional upheaval.

My truth is that I have received the most joy out of life, helping others. By bringing them relief, happiness, joy and the restoration of their self worth, dignity and security. But if you mix in what it is that I love to do for work and how I make my living at it. The two never or rarely mix, meld or blend. Other than working a show that is based upon raising funds for a charity as in a concert of benefit of some sort.

A few years ago I did have the opportunity to raise over $3000.00 for a mens homeless shelter. I secured the benefactor rather easily. At one point I was a client of the shelter. I remember then a gentleman named Chris handed me a set of sheets to a bed I was assigned. I realized after many thanks and displays of gratitude that he had this glazed over look upon his face. What he provided me with that very day, was my dignity, grace, security and compassion. Most of all and important, he gave me within the sheets..... a seed of hope.

Several years had passed and I was doing swell, I was given the opportunity to go to school and a new lease on life. I thought for my gratitude and pass indignant deeds I owed. I owed someone, society or mankind something in return for my good fortune. Within two months I had created a benefit organization, secured the same homeless shelter I once stayed in as the benefactor, I had secured donations for the silent auction and all pretty much on my own time, resources and ideas.

I made it through what seemed like a depressing night. It was a rainy Monday night in February and the turn out seemed lower than my expectations would have liked. All that being said, at the end of the auction, the door proceeds and the club owner Mickey Cucchiela donating a portion of the register receipts I was able to hand over a check for the aforementioned amount. I was stressed most of the night, being director, coordinator and all things to all people. A good stress I suppose. However as I signed the check it started to hit me.

I had become completely overwhelmed at the moment I handed over the check. I hadn't realized that through all of the coordination with the gentleman from the benefactor's organization I had been dealing with the same man that years before had handed me something. He handed my my hope. As I live and breath until the moment of my outstretched arm handing him the check I hadn't realized who he was, and at that very moment, looking into his eyes and seeing his smile and the humbled look of gratitude and thankfulness all I could do was cry.

Which by the way, was not my intent. My intent was to fulfill my ego with some elaborate speech of gratitude to those that helped make the night possible and ad nauseam. As all things right with nature and as perfect as nature seems....that speech was not meant to be. Instead what people saw, including the benefactor, was a young man filled with tears of grace, joy and and an overwhelming satisfaction that I had completed a goal I was sure I'd lost long sight of.

Now I've found my way back to the purpose and crux of the post. Inside, I have struggled with many things. I have struggled with addiction to anything and everything toxic. I have struggled with love, life and the pursuit of happiness. Most of all I've struggled with an unending sense of where do I belong in this life. I've had a sense of doing something big with my life. Having meaning and purpose. Being able to affect people on a large scale I suppose. I have never really entertained the grandiosity side of these notions, rather than struggling with the who, what, when where and how I am going to achieve such a feet.

I have gotten a decent education, I've taken computer networking classes, broadcasting, sales, marketing, economics, history and all sorts of higher learning. However, aside from working in the music business behind the scenes in production, I've never really found my calling. I suppose that I'll do what the next day has in store. Or maybe as days go by my own answers will come. All I do know is this, my own passion exists because of my desire to fulfill someone else's needs and desire to move on, up and out.

I hope any of this made sense to someone. I think I've piddled out what was inside.... and now you see. Another movie that has brought me to the edge of tears....actually violently over the waterfall......